I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
