I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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