is your mom at the bar?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I want a musical about memes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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