i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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