Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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