I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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