My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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