Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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