after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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