Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
