Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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