I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
