sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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