Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
