Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
