I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
