I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
