Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
