After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
