What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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