you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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