News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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