five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need to calm my uterus...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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