Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
