..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I didn't notice because vodka
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
