even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
