my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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