I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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