Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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