Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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