I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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