oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
