I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
