I hate your face
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize