oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
