so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila