i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.