your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
