Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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