Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
