If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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