He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
