I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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