I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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