dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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