Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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