First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
