today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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