remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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