My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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