there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
