Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
