8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
