i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.