I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
