I smell stomach acid.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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